3:10 to Yuma

3:10 to Yuma, James Mangold, 2007

Hook: Russell Crowe gets punched repeatedly in the face.

Story: A journey through Apache country in which captured (morally complex) outlaw, Russell Crowe, is guarded by Christian Bale a rancher in dire need of money. An uneasy bond builds between the two men as Bale and a gradually diminishing number of men transport Crowe to the prison train. SPOT QUIZ: Now, tell me again, where were they going to meet that train, and at what time?

 

Gossip: No shit, this is based on a story by Elmore Lenard! See if you can spot Peter Fonda—somehow I don’t think his career is on the up-swing.

 

John: What can I say, I once shook hands with Hopalong Cassidy when I was a kid. The Ausie, Russell Crowe, is tough on and off the screen. Christian Bale lost 60 pounds to play The Machinist (and had his leg amputated for this part). But there’s something about the Western formula that pulls you in and gets you going. Maybe it’s the good and evil thing, or the gun barrel sheen to the photography in this pic. Or the background music. That’s it. The trouble with real life is there’s no background music. Anyway, “Hoppy” lives!

GO GO GO (3 GOs out of four)

Spanky: Give me a break. This is the same old stereotypes in the same old 10 gallon clichés, we hung and buried years ago. Miss Kitty may show some titty but that’s all that’s new. There’s the High Noon deadline, the rancher’s boy who is disillusioned with his seemingly weak dad but admires Shane, the Doc Holiday-like killer who quotes the Bible, Indians—all of a sudden very PC—and of course the nervous Railroad Guy wondering how this is all going to turn out. This one not only misses the train, it misses the boat and the plane. Bite off some beef jerky if you have to feel tough, right John Jerky? And who do you imagine you are, John? Dean Martin in his dissolute later years, sitting drunk watching westerns on VHS?  Hey, readers, did you know donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks?  

“TWO PAWS DOWN” (1 BARK out of four)

Keeper: “If you take the time to dig one grave, you might as well dig another, for yourself.”